1 year gone by.

It has been over a year now since I quit my 9-5 and I am still bitter...but better. I miss the money, I miss the stability, I miss being proud of what I did for a living. I am back to being afraid of that inevitable question..."What do you do for a living?" So I hide in social settings again, avoid eye contact so people don't ask me that. I am constantly looking for a way out of being near people. I can't listen when people are talking to me because I just think about what I am doing and what they are thinking of me, so now being someone without a "real" job my anxiety or whatever it is is through the roof. I guess I am not doing ok yet. I want to say I am...that I am over it but I'm not yet. I tend to hold onto "grudges" for far too long, I always have. To me it isn't resolved, for them nothing changed just got better...two different worlds that were once one. Deep down I want them to fail...just a little, but I've done this before in my life and that never happens.

So, here I am, a year into having no "real" job and I still think about it everyday. It's like a bad break up that I can't shake. They go on and I live in whatever this is. This time is different though, i don't have a desire to start all over again. I don't care anymore about having to have that sparkling job, it was always to please other people. Now money, sure, not good, but I am working and I am comfortable for once. Besides the questions that I try to avoid, I feel really calm, comfortable and myself. I haven't felt this since I was young. I feel free. There isn't this heavy weight on my back about the fear of the next day, what would happen at work that day, the forced pressure to talk to everyone and if I didn't then I'm the weirdo who doesn't talk to anyone. More stress just for a paycheck. I should want to do more for my family...I know people think that. To me, mentally this is how I do more for them. Being more stable and present is what matters to me the most. I won't let us crumble but I understand, too, the stress it causes being who I am on others. I understand more now how I make others around me feel because of my issues, but I also can't ignore the issues I have and that I do need boundaries in order to improve. Do I think if I had been on the right meds while at work I would still have a job...yup. Again...stability. Did I have issues at work that were accurate and overlooked...yup. Was I ready to quit before the drama...yup. Was I happy anymore there? Nope. The ending sucked but I have to keep telling myself it's what I wanted deep down anyways. I had defeated that job...I went from the bottom to the top back down to the bottom in six years. I accomplished everything I was going to while the workers around me still couldn't figure things out. I was stressed out over things while in charge that didn't matter to the boss man after I wasn't in charge. Things didn't make sense there anymore to me. Did I self-sabotage....I did...it is a major flaw I have, yes. But they also did things to push me over the edge with no remorse. There was no resolution like always there.

I just have to tell myself this too shall pass...that I didn't even want the job anymore on the inside, that they did do me wrong on multiple occasions, I wasn't making the shit up, and that I walked away knowing I solved the last problem for them...me.