Dissappear

I’m hitting burn out bad. I can’t even write this because things are needed of me. I can’t fucking breathe anymore.

Oh, it’s a bad day. Oh, he is a toddler, you can’t handle it? Get used to it, it’s only starting. You should have thought and figured everything out before having a kid. Everyone works and still is a parent and does life. Get over it, you have 1 kid.

I could keep going on and on with all the deflections and shitty comments society makes when you need some alone time. That guilt on top of all the growing guilt is suffocating. And then I end up here.

Burn out. Touched out. Talked out. Cared out. Angry now.

Angry at everything. Why I can’t come home and things are clean, and in order like I spent my whole day the day before doing. No, i can’t decompress because this isn’t my area. It isn’t clean, comfortable. It’s loud and messy and I need my home to be peaceful and welcoming. I need a safe place. My safe place. 

It doesn’t exist.

So I live in their world of chaos because I have to. This is life! You’re blessed to be here, so appreciate it and get to work. Do what makes everyone else happy and comfortable, ok.

Life is exactly like a toddler. The demands, needs, unappreciative love,  the fists to the face, and kicks to the chest. The way they degrade you if you don’t do something right. The combativeness. 

At some point, I give up. I react instead of staying calm. I run instead of fixing. I am a child. I am a toddler still. I never healed during that time from something and it reflects on my life now. I want to be “normal” I do, but I also love the laid back, silliness that is in me, I don’t want to change who I am, just how I handle life.

krz