I Am Not Crazy.

As a child I was labeled "bad" from the age of 3, possibly sooner. I didn't get into any type of chaos, trouble, or hurt people. Yet, there I was, the "bad" kid. The shunned one, always. There once was a time I was literally told to my face I wasn't allowed to play with the rest of the neighborhood children at the cool kids house. I didn't know why. I didn't understand why, and my family gave me the old "politics" answer. At the time the family was involved, politically, so I took that as the answer. Now, an adult, I see the "it's politics" answer as an excuse or a hidden truth they all knew about. They were Republicans, my family were Democrats, things like that mattered then, as they still do. But, now, as an adult I can also see other reasons why I would have been shunned. I was socially awkward, basically a mute, different all around, but looked "normal."

I wasn't like other kids. Different. I would hear adults whispering about me, pushing me to be more social, more involved in things. The problem wasn't me, it was my brain being wired different then most. I needed things that other kids didn't seem to. I was quiet and smart so nothing could be wrong with me. I was just a brat. Spoiled. That was what adults always told me. Out of nowhere I would throw a tantrum especially if I wasn't comforable in whatever situation I was in. I hadn't learned how to mask, pretend, yet. I was a child being forced to live a certain way that wouldn't work for who I was. I wish I had gotten help at a young age, but I don't blame anyone. I had to have been a lot to manage in a time when you couldn't even talk about a mental illness. I was told by a doctor, or maybe just my grown ups, that I had an eating disorder. I did not. There were a lot of textures that would turn me off of food. I had anxiety about eating in front of other people. I was terrified I would have to poop in public if I ate. No one ever asked me about this, that I can remember. I didn't know how to communicate what I was feeling, and no one took them into account eithe, so I felt.

I used alcohol to make friends but with no alcohol I had no skill to keep the relationship going. I clung to the idea of needing to be in a relationship. I was able to get people to love me and want me, and used sex to keep them around, but then, after time, I would burn out and have to unmask. Unmasking while in burnout, while not knowing who you are yet and why this is happening, leads to rage. Anger and rage. It filled me up every time. The antagonist in everyones story. I just had this rage inside of me building up to be something powerful. A lot of times I would just take it out on myself. Hatred for myself was a real struggle. Spending hours alone, sitting in odd positions in my room, hiding in my closet a ton, staring at myself in the mirror while I cried to be normal. Sometimes I would hit myself in the head because I hated myself or the decisions I had made. Punishing myself for not doing the right thing almost. So when a relationship was getting rocky, I either clung and obsessed over them or I was a complete nightmare to be around. There was never a good ending to any relationship I ever had. Using sex, alcohol, and masking who I really was never withstands forever. I have never had a relationshp of any kind since I was a teenager that didn't start with alcohol, usually ending badly because of it, too.

I can go to an event and be completely ok not talking at all. I never felt the need to HAVE to speak. I don't enjoy talking about myself, jobs, or politics. I don't know what else there is besides hobbies. Hobbies are ok as long as someone else brings it up and I get included by invite to the converstation. To me a great time together with family, let's say, is playing games and sitting, relaxing. Society is not capable of that, though. So I have to pretend to be like them in order in not look weird. Imagine going to a party but you had to be someone else the entire time. Think about how exhausting that could become. 42 years I have done this, it always leads to burn out and meltdowns or "being crazy."

If I leave the house I need a plan. How will I get there, what directions will I take, what is the first thing I say when I get there? Even for therapy I plan out what I will talk about that session, as to leave no empty spaces in a full hour. At appointments I have to be completely professional. Stiff even. Making & keeping appointments for me can be extremely exhausting and troublesome.

I need things not chaotic around me. My house has to be cleaned before I can function normally. There is a place for everthing, so put things back where they belong, please. I lose control when I have multiple unfinished tasks going on at once. I literally have to stop myself and refocus by prioritizing them. Solving puzzles, problems, and organization needs are my favorite things.

The smallest of things can set me off track from my head plan leaving me in a full blown meltdown rage. People around me tell me to just stop being that way, to regulate my emotions, it isn't that big a deal. My answer is... to them. There are a lot of random emotions I would love to have regulated, but it is who I am, and every now and again I will meltdown no matter how hard I am trying not to. I also get stuck in these "funks" which makes getting out of them very difficult for me. 4 years of my early 20s I spent sleeping about 15 hours a day with no outside interactions besides the relationship I was in and 3 other people. I mainly only left my house for work, and if I did I had anger, unhappiness and a constant uncomfortable feeling. I was for sure depressed but knowing what I know now, I was in a full blown meltdown with no way out. I was the ugliest of my life then. So. much. Rage. My way out of it was to find someone else to cling onto, so I did. No healing, no breaks. The cycle continued for years.

If anything is off in the morning for me it ruins my entire day, unless I chose to change it. Being told what to do actually sends me into rage. I know what to do, if I don't I will ask and find out. Not being direct or passive aggressive will spiral me.

Do the right thing! People from my past would laugh at this because of how I treated them and acted, but they and myself didn't know what was really going on. SO, DO THE RIGHT THINGS! HAVE MORALS!! I went a year losing my mind on the thruway recently. It ended up being a main reason for starting therapy. I turned into real life poor Batman, a vigilante. If you didn't use a blinker, I would honk at you and point to where the blinker is on my car. If you were driving under the speed limit, I honked. If I saw you doing something not ok, I let you know. It got reckless, yes. It was the only way I knew at that time to decompress and manage work burn out.

Work burn out isn't just I need a vacation or a break, it is full on I have to quit, find something else, and start completely over. That isn't "normal" behaviors, by textbook. My whole life is full of chapters like a book. I become the best employee you will ever have, burn myself to the ground making sure I do everything right and learn all things. Then, bam, the corruption sets in, meaning I see things that aren't being done by the rules or correctly, and I can not let it go, ever. Fairness. Morals. Always.

So all of this, which is just the tip, makes me crazy to everyone else. Amanda, shes cool but crazy. Even my maiden last name had crazy in it, so it was an easy go to. Unfortunately, it gave me a horrible complex ontop of what was really happening... Autism. I don't want to run around saying I am on the spectrum, most people think we all are anyways or it is fake all together, but it is extremely refreshing to know why I am the way I am sometimes. Knowing I am not crazy at all. Everyone was wrong, I felt the truth all along. Now I can be. Be me.

-- Krz