The Antagonist

Every relationship I have ever had, intimate or friendly, I have destoryed. I can not end anything without being the bad one. The one who has to ruin or burn it all to the ground. Nothing is ever peaceful. I am always the antagonist. I bet I will be in your story somehow too.

Chapters of friendships and lovers fill my life, each ending in sabotage.

There were the sisters I had as my first friends. I became somewhat obessive of them. I would spend most of my nights at their home instead of mine. If they couldn't hang out with me, I would sulk in my room all day. I would wait for them to come home, listen for their car to pull in or their footsteps above in their apartment, waiting for a sign one of them coming down to get me. Their mother never liked me, or I never felt like she did. The vibe was always uneasy when she was around, yelled a lot, was loud & the opposite of my mother in all ways. Yet she let me tag along on almost everything they did leaving me with many fun memories. I learned basic life skills from them too. How to cut my own meat, how to talk to other people, what other places looked like, how to eat at a restaurant, how to do laundry, & the dishes, to name a few. They opened my world up from just the black and white. I began to like everything they liked, whether I actually did or not. Whatever they were into, I was then into. I clung to them like they were the coolest girls in the world. Then they moved away. I tired staying in touch but they began to get other friends and I didn't know how to act with other people in my circle. So I pushed them away, hardly spoke to them anymore and moved on. I made myself hate them.

Weird. That. is. weird.

After them, I clung to one person each school year, forgetting about them once summer hit. Which is weird.

In the summer, school break, I would only hang out with my family. Why?

Kindergarten I had a friend named Anna. She moved after that year and I never saw her again. First and second grade, I had no one in particular. It was then I realized I was different. Constantly being looked at like this sweet, tiny angel in class, someone that doesn't talk but is very smart and kind. I didn't have anyone to conform to so I was unmasked and was the quiet, shy, good kid. One instance during this time there was a bomb threat to our school. They evacuated us all to the cafeteria, as if that would protect us. It was a free for all. You could sit wherever you wanted. It was that moment I realized I had no one, so I sat alone because I didn't know what else to do. 2 years of that went on for me. Just feeling not myself but getting by and everyone, adults, liked me. I was the favorite student, child. The pleasant to have in class but should talk more kid.

Third grade I just bounced around friends. Never actually making a real friendship in the process, just enough to get through the year without sitting alone. The teacher had a grumpy face all the time. Once she threw a piece of tissue over her desk into the can and she missed. I giggled, she glared at me with fire in her eyes. "You could have picked it up instead of laughing," she snapped. I hated her forever after that. I was getting fed up with everyone telling me how to act and feel.

Fourth grade I made a close friend with a girl that seemed a lot like me. Similar interests, pretty quiet too, super nice... we bonded. I would even go to her house and she came to mine. It was very different for me. Yet again, though, summer hit and that was it for me.

Fifth grade came which turned out to be the year everything began to change for me. It started off the same as usual. Searching for a familiar face from the previous year or the next person I could cling to all year. That year for some reason we would switch classes like in high school. In science I sat with one chick who I was friends with years before when we were young. That sealed that class for me. Main homeroom was a teacher that loved me, like ususal, so I decided to get involved in something and became a hall monitor for her after school. That all changed when I met these 2 girls who were best friends. They were extremely independent, smoked, were labeled as "bad," but had my attention. They were funny, super independent, knew a lot about just life, and well, sex. I hardly talked around them, I was the shy, good girl still. Beginning to break out of this shell I have lived in my whole childhood. Well, I quit hall monitoring so I could walk home with them and not alone. The teacher was appalled with my decision, even yelling at me in the hallway in front of all the other kids leaving that day, including my two friends. Pointing at them, calling them bad influences. Needless to say, I giggled in her face, uncomfortably, told her I quit, and left with my friends. The three of us giggled all the way home about what she said to all of us. It was unreal, but the first time I really stood up to someone. That night at home, and the months to follow....still to this day actually, I feel bad about that. That teacher was nice to me and nasty to everyone else. I was special, right? ...I ruin everything.

That summer I still hung out with them, at times. I had actual friends. I looked up to them, started to dress like them, act like them...here we go again.

Sixth grade another girl entered my life. She would become my bestest friend of all time. Well I thought anyways. She was new to the school, was loud, bold & hilarious. She stood up for people against the teachers, made jokes everyone laughed at, and was loved by everyone. Here she was wanting to be my friend. Maybe it was me wanting to be her, who knows. I don't even remember how our friendship began because it was intense and took off. We became inseparable. I even talked around her, called her on the phone and went to her house right after school most days. We liked some of the same things and some things I just did because she liked them. Like dressing girlie because she wouldn't(she was picked on for her weight as a kid a lot), doing the things she wouldn't, couldn't whatever because in my head I thought it would make her happy somehow. If she liked a boy, I would start to like him. Looking back now it had to be f'ed up for her to watch over and over again. I didn't know then. I honestlythought I was doing the right things. We were glued together regardless. This year the class got in trouble so the teacher made us sit in silence for 45 minutes and write why this happened or why we should listen, something like that. Well her and I, completely unknowingly, wrote not a nasty letter but the same type of letter which we twisted it back onto the teacher as the reason this was all happening. She talked to both of us and wouldn't believe we didn't plan it. It made me feel super connected to her. She was my person now. I spent 95% of my time with her after that.

Seventh grade was a blur. We were moved into the high school early because of renovations to the middle school. Separated into different classes, with different people, stirred so much anxiety in me. I couldn't cling to anyone, every hour was different. I don't remember this year much.

Eighth grade was her and I again. Best friends and everyone knew it. We went to wrestling matches that came into town, endless sleepovers, never left each others side, and both had crushes on 2 teachers who were good friends, which everyone, and I mean everyone knew about. This year turned out to be the best time of my school years. With the teachers always messing with us, us having the most fun times every day, and being popular. I started really dating this year, too. That led me to think about sex, a lot. Should I or shouldn't I. That brought me into the teachers room after school. Completely out of nowhere and character, I asked an adult for help with something personal. It began because I thought he was cute, but also he tested me, called upon me in ways that intrigued me. After the first awkward chat, I would spend hours with him after shcool, to the point he was told to start walking the grounds with me instead of talking in his room. Ha. Nothing like that ever happened. This year I even stayed friends with the other 2 girls from fifth grade. I had a pack, it was amazing! But I was conforming in the wrong ways. I became consumed with sex. Everything I talked about came back to sex somehow, I even picked, yes picked, who I wanted to be my first. It was all scripted. My whole life at this point was all scripted out, by myself. I was secure and confident, though. I had people around me.

Nineth through eleventh grades I changed hard. My first choosen boyfriend, and first...you know, broke up with me. I started being interested in girls now, talking to them online. My bff and I hardly hung out anymore. I didn't hang with the other two much either after the break up with the ones brother I had, I was back to having zero people in my life. Then I met a girl online, clung and imitated her, until I started dating someone she liked which she said she didn't I just didn't get her unspoken cue. She was extremely nasty to me afterwards. That friendship was over after one year. I became friends with another girl and her group of friends in my high school, but she always told everyone my business, so later on down the line I moved on from her too. The partying with friends I made online outside of school took over. I was getting black out drunk every weekend. I met my best friend, a guy, then. We were both super quiet, awkward most the time, liked not talking and playing games. He is still a friend today, can you believe it? He also wanted to date me but was always polite, respectful about it. I stuck with him for that main reason. However, the girl I dated and the reason I met him, did not end well. I obsessed over her too. She wasn't gay so that was a major issue for me. For me it was real, for her it was fun. It confused my young mind. When we finally dated, I cheated on her because I was in an abusiverelationship before her and didn't know how to say no. She never felt the same for me after that. Later she had her new girlfriend harass and stalk my house. I hadn't even spoken to her in over a year, not many believed me or helped I should say. We were never really friends ever again.

Eleventh through Twelfth grades I had zero friends besides that one guy friend of mine. I wasn't allowed any. My first girlfriend was super controlling, stalked me, hit me and degraded me into having ptsd and being arrested. She played victim while I was charged. Bad ending again. I was 17.

I graduated with not one friend from high school to call. There was one girl who I just stopped talking to for no reason, other than that there was no one. So I met another girl online, I didn't really like her much, but I dated her for 4 years. Cheated on her a lot, with one chick, but I did, called her the N word once in a rage, hated everything I was then and took it out on her. I should have never dated her for I wasn't attracted to her, I didn't like her views of the world and life, very needy too. I was just a disgusting human at this point. The chick after her was the same. I was attracted to her, lusted for her lifestyle, but in reality didn't like her or her family at all. That ended in a fight too.

Before, during and after her, there was another I lusted over. Love I thought but it was all lust...and friendship. She was always my type of person to hang out with. She wasn't always the nicest, but neither was I. The relationship was always hot and cold, on and off, but she always had my back. No one else ever did. We are still friends to some degree. The degree is me, I just don't know how to keep a friendshipi going. We were both toxic, drunks, too. Her nickname for me was "mute" because when we first met I never spoke. That is weird.

My last relationship before my wife was another toxic one, another striaght girl. Her and I both had, have "issues" so there were many fights, bad fights. She cheated on me constantly. Karma got me with this one. Everything here was terrible. It lasted another 4 years.

Now I am with my wife, working through why I am constantly an antagonist. I hope I am becoming a better person everyday. I am trying. That "good girl" is still in there, waiting to find her soul again.