Diagnosis

I recently decided I need a diagnosis. My entire life has gone by, I am in my 40s, and have always felt out of place. I don’t even know who I am, still! It has gone by by decades for me. Every 10 years I am someone new. Why does this happen? Why am I this way?

I’m not “just crazy”.

I want to know why I think and act the way I do. Why I self-sabotage everything? Why do I love sleep so much? Why can’t I do anything without overanalyzing it to the point it isn’t enjoyable? Why am I standing waiting for an order at Burger King and my heart is racing? I want to be “normal.” I want the rage inside of me to calm down, never to creep back around.

I didn’t realize how fucking hard it is to find a therapist, an actual therapist. So many counselors, honestly, no offense to them, but some people need more. I need more.

My last counselor let me sit in front of her while I filled out the paperwork. Just sat there and watched me for the entire 6 pages of medical records I had to complete. That nonsense was right after I had a panic attack trying to find the office itself, she seemed attacked when I said that to her. Like, ok, well fuck off, now I really don’t want to be here.

At this point, I want to walk out and say thanks. The whole situation just getting into the office gave me so much anxiety that I never want to return. Then the above paragraph, and THEN she let me literally ramble on and on for an hour about my whole life. Wrote notes in a spiral notebook and constantly looked overwhelmed. Near the end, she did ask me a question finally, “What brought you to this clinic?”

DONE. You have 100% made me feel like I was a burden on you and that I don’t belong there. You clearly did not feel me out. SMH, BUHBYE.

So I no called, no showed our next appointment, it’s my m.o. (i know i am a shitty person, that’s why I write and want therapy)

I began the therapy search again, like online dating but you can be your crazy ass self right off the bat. I found a place with a board-certified psychologist-nurse practitioner…something on those long lines, and my first session was a 90% for me.

It was online, virtual. When she got on the screen, my mic wouldn’t work. There it is. That “something” that always happens. I couldn’t figure it out because now I see how annoyed she looks, then tells me to exit and try again. It won’t work, I know it won’t. It’s my mic. I can’t get it to turn on. That’s it. I just won’t go back in. I’m an idiot. I’m wasting her time. Ugh, there goes that. Then, snap! My phone! I was using my tablet,  my phone will work for sure. And it does!! I’m in! SMILEY FACE!!

I hated that she was laughing at something, but trying not to, her dog, I think, was trying to get in the camera, and that she was wearing a t-shirt that said California on it and drank from a plastic Gatorade-like bottle on camera. Seemed trashy to me. Otherwise, I think she is the one! Lol! She asked me my medical history, family history and other questions. She led. I need that. She didn’t let me get too into any one thing just yet and mainly just asked questions. I LOVE THAT!

Another appointment in 3 more days, already! I LOVE THAT, TOO!

On my way to that diagnosis and healing!

– krz