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Someone told me you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, and I felt that. Then society told me I can’t because it won’t heal you or is right.

So here I am not staying home, avoiding the situation that makes me upset, because it’s a holiday and I’m married into it.

I quit my job for mental health reasons. 90% of the problems I was having was from my father in law, the guy I got the job for. He is here talking about work stuff. Football work stuff they do every year. I’m no longer there, he knows its mostly because of him. Still doesn’t give a flying fuck. Talking about vacations and just happy.

I’m sitting in the corner of the couch, typing this, while everyone talks around me.

I’m not ok, but I’m healing right? I am married into this now, so I have to deal with it.

Now my mother in law turns around and says something about working on a Tuesday on cmas week. I said ok remind me, doesn’t matter, sounds good. My wife bumps my arm to be nice.

I’m here. That’s being nice. IMO.

So much anxiety right now but I have to do this. No one talks to me. So I’m writing.

I can’t pretend to be ok. I can not do. I can’t pretend to be fucking ok.

krz