Meltdown

When I’m stressed out, then anxiety, then the depression voices…I completely shut down. My hands go numb or tingle, my heart races, my arm pits sweat and sometimes I get dizzy. Panic attacks you could call them. Well, today has been one of those days.

I’ve been in “depression mode” for 2 weeks now. I didn’t fill my antidepressant meds before the holiday, so I had to take half a pill yesterday and today. Walgreens 3 days, 630pm, just filled. Maybe they should have been prepared for the Rite Aid closures. Incompetence everywhere.

Today I woke up on edge. Just woke up, and I was already irritated. Then life hits you right in the pittiful, irritated face and your mind spirals. That puts me mentally down for the day now, but I’ll have to mask my issues until everyone goes to bed. Exhausting!

I fucked up 3 DoorDash orders later on, that was what triggered my panic attack. The app got screwy and rerouted me to the second pick up after I was at the first one. So my time was way off and I started panicking. When I got there, already panicking, I had to shop. I signed up to shop too, a mistake. It wasn’t terrible, but at cash out I almost ran away because I thought they scanned the wrong items and the customers would freak out on me.  I didn’t say anything at the time because I was already embarrassed. I left. Everything ended up being right.

Store 2 now. I have to shop again and it is at a store where someone I know works. Dread sets in. Hyper alert so I don’t run into him. It makes me nervous and awkward. The feeling that I don’t belong there. I’m lost and everyone knows it. Everyone has a cart should I get one? FUCK, there he is! I think he sees me because I see him, so I give a half grin and turn down the next aisle to avoid all of that.

Now I KNOW he is here. FOCUS! The order!

I see where the meat is now and jet there. WHYYYY? The kind I need isn’t there. Time to ask someone, ughhhh. Not in stock right now. Ok, so now what do I do? I can’t just stand there so I aimlessly walk around the store pretending to look for something, while calling the customer. Talking to her I stumble over my words because I’m terrified at this point. Grab what she wants, cash out awkwardly and then leave.

The app takes me to the first house and it shows one order, then another. I drop the first off, but get confused and leave the second one too. Get to the 3rd drop off, complete it then that one order pops back up to deliver. I left it at the 1st house.

That was the end of me holding it together.  I freaked out in more ways than one, sent a message to doordash that I had a family emergency and to redeliver that order. I fly home so I can hide. This was all way too fucking much. I won’t answer their calls and I delete the whole app. I’m so stupid. How embarrassing. I’ll never do that again.

I mentally destroyed myself the rest of the day, and 7 days later, I still am. I went back to dashing yesterday. I’m not shopping anymore. The day was better.

Like that manager shouted at me… “WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!’

krz