Who I am?

The greatest question there is. Who the fuck are you? Who am I?

40s for me are starting off wild. I am having so many revelations about my childhood and myself. Therapy must be part of the reason, but it was happening before. The mid life crisis perhaps. I am 42 and I still don't know who the fuck I am. Do you?

I think we all hide who we truly are to some extent. For me, though, I mask every part of me. 42 years of feeling uncomfortable, not ok, alone and, well, lets just say low, really low most of my life. I found myself crying in the bathroom too many times to count. Just because I hated myself that much. I hated I existed. Staring at myself in the mirror, lights on for all to see, I watched myself cry. Too many times I looked at that face and stared into those eyes. What is wrong with you?!?! Anger and tension all over my body. Too many times I cried alone in my grandmothers bathroom, alone, trying to figure myself out. Trying to express what I'm feeling always leads to crying. The meds now help, it's strangely nice. Either way, it is there, I am there..whoever that is.

As a kid my first friendship was forced onto me and I clung to them, they were sisters. Those were my friends. My only friends I could have. They liked disney, so I did too. Except I hated disney! They liked this guy form 90210, so he was the one I liked too, even though I liked other people better. Whatever clothes they wore, I wanted. I wasn't even me then. Thing is, having them as friends, everyone left me alone about being a loner and a mute. It made life better, even if I wasn't myself, I felt better. There were reasons now. Reasons to get up. Reasons to get dressed. Reasons to live. Ah, reasons to live. Reasons of worth. Yes.

Now thinking back, I didn't even like hanging out with the girl my age. Their mother scared the shit out of me and constantly made me feel unworthy and neglected, like an orphan. Her acts of kindness and her kids were doing me a favor attitude. She even made comments about me not thanking her to rides to the pool. I was clearly an extremely socially awkward child, but ok lady, thank you! I never not said thank you again, for anything...the rest of my life. Now that IS me. If I do something wrong, I will NEVER do it again and I will remember it for my entire life. So when I do make mistakes and "get in trouble" I take super hard offense to it. That IS me. Anyways, I was grateful of them. They taught me so much and shown me a ton! The older sister was more my speed but I ruined that by being overly sexual during house play. Whooops. I AM THE WEIRD ONE!

I was overly sexual my enitre life. I realized during therapy that I was the weird kid on the block. I was the one they were told couldn't come over. I was the one they weren't suppose to hang out with. Did I pull my pants down a bunch ontop of other things...yup. I get it now. Now my ego is even worse off before realizing that. ha. After years of watching the kids play, the parents critiqued how I walked down the street, head down, and didn't play with the kids. Shit, I wonder why, assholes. That didn't help my worth either. Being the introvert and weirdo worked for me, so I just did my thing, until I needed friends. I needed people to sit with in school and be near or I was really weird. So when the sisters moved a few blocks away, I felt that friendship was coming to an end and I had to move on. They were growing on without me. Making new friends and calling less and less. I stopped too. Floated through school, making a friend each year, then forgetting about them once summer hit. Like a relationship that had to end at the end of each year. I don't fucking get that either.

So I met my next shadow friend and I mimicked her as well. Anything she liked, I liked. Over and over again until I completely lost whoever I was at all. I was someone else. I also felt the msot free during this time, strange I know. I felt protected, had a blast and her mother was nice to me. Adored me. I was never uncomfortable. Then her mothers boyfriend started grooming me and the whole relationship and myself changed from there again.

Lots of grossness came after. Boyfriends, sex, drugs, alcohol...the goods. Once again letting people in my life that I would copy to keep them around. Drinking became absolutely necessary to get by. Drinking let me loosen up and not be such a copycat, mute. It also destroys you inside and out, so.

Add in - coming out the closet around here. Add in adbusive, crazy first girlfriend. Stalked and abused me in all types of ways and I still wanted to be with her. The first instance she got she sent me to jail. No one believed me, so I pled guilty. fuck it right! ha. Lets start drinking again. Oh, and graduate high school too. Yup.

Next girlfriend I used so bad I just ended up hating myself even more from. I degraded her to a point of no return and I still think about it daily. I didn't know who to be then. I literally slept 5 straight years away and smoked weed nonstop. No idea what to do or where to go.

I found an out with a toxic fwb bff. Drinking was really the out. Drinking lead to fun things. I was out and about. Hanging out with people and socializing liek normal people. Again, just doing what she was doing because it gave me a friend who I really enjoyed being around. I felt important with her, toxic or not. She always brought out my independence, challenged me. My real best friend. Problem is I didn't know how to be a friend at this point. The relationship was never stable because of it.

Drinking consumed the life until I married and now, for the first time, I am able to be me. 42 and I can follow my own dreams, MY dreams. Yet I feel guilty everyday and should just get another 9-5 to make the world around me happy again.

"we are just slaves in a world not made for us."

-krz