the cool kid

I deleted my facebook account that I had since the beginning of time. I needed a fresh start. Sick to my stomach constantly about having to see old memories that I removed personally. Along with all this came “friends” that I didn’t add back, either. One in partictular, “THE cool kid,” from childhood. For some reason I felt like I had to hold onto this guy. How could I be the only one that doesn’t like him? Well, FUCK THAT, I finally said. Fuck him. I used to sit in my bedroom window and watch Him play next door with the neighborhood kids. He was so good looking and interesting. ALL the kids loved Him and needed to be His friend. He had a big family, 3 or 4 older sisters, He being the youngest, so He was known because of all that to begin with. I had a lot of social anxiety/issues then, extremely shy and had zero self-esteem, so dreaming from afar was normal for me. I was also always told I wasn’t allowed to go play in their yard with them. I never knew why or if it was true, but it didn’t help my anxiety and I never asked questions. I always thought it was because we were poor and they weren’t, so I wasn’t a cool kid, that was how life worked. Sometimes they would play with me over the fence, sometimes I avoided them all together. One summer, He started calling my name and teasing me. My whole world opened up inside! I’m not sure if it showed on the outside, but I felt ALIVE on the inside! I was so excited to wake up everyday from then on. Would He come by today? Would He call for me and pick on me again? I just couldn’t believe any of it was happening. The other kids, of course, started talking to me more then too. I was opening up and felt included. It was so great! I went to the yard next door a few times, too! We played football and I got to “touch” Him when trying to tackle. Man was that HOT! I was really good at football actually. I impressed myself and it released a lot of..something, inside me. I LOVED IT! Anywho, there were SO many toys to play with over there. Literally anything you could think of or want was stacked in that garage. I wanted to try it all, but it wasn’t long until I was told I couldn’t be there. But boy, was it awesome!!! I got to talk to Him for so long and it was sooo cool!! The rest of that summer I would wait all day, everyday, for Him to ride His bike by or come hang out with my little brother, just so I could see Him. My mom caught onto my crush and started doing embarassing things, like playing “I think I Love You” by the Partridge Family, or “Summer Lovin'” from Grease. I will admit I enjoyed it. I felt good. I felt something, seen. The fling thing lasted most of the summer, but then He came by less and less. Yes, I went through sadness and jealousy. I waited, while He and his family went on trips and did things together. I watched Him play with the neighborhood kids without me again. It all faded as fast as it started. I always had him on my mind after that summer. I just felt like one day we would reconnect, maybe. Maybe? Years went on and as we got a bit older we did “reconnect” I guess. Summer again, I live with my grandparents now, and they are gone on the weekends. I have some friends now of my own, from school, they are over. Those kids, including him, end up in my house watching tv with us. It doesn’t take long before us teens are playing spin the bottle, so here we go. A couple of my friends do random, funny kisses, but it was pretty set for him and I to kiss. It happens. My heart raced so fast! I wanted that for so long, ahhhhh!!! My little brother is there and gets upset, it was adorable, at first. However, the next thing I know we are walking up to my room and my brother is crying not to go in there with him, but I do, I shut the door on my brother and lock it. How could I say no to him, this is a dream come true! he wants me!!!! We start making out and I am enjoying it so much. I can’t believe this is happening and all I can do is try to remember every second of his mouth on mine… …then, he stops and pulls away a bit. Smiling at me, the room still lit up bright, exposed, he unzips his pants and pulls IT out. I think I smiled in embarassed, not really sure, but I still can feel the uncomfortableness of the moment. he grabbed the back of my head, right where the back of the head curves down into your neck, and pulls it towards his penis. I turn my head and step back. he presists, stroking it. I say no, I don’t want to. After a little resistence, he puts it away and leaves. they all leave. I cried on my bed then, my brother watched. demoralized. Years later…. we actaully dated for maybe a week, lets go a month tops. I wanted him, I did. He was the coolest kid in school and the best looking for sure. Good at everything, I’ve known him since we were little, he lives across the street, he is friends with my little brother….we are meant to be together. It makes sense. It does. Well there was also this strange thing that his family disliked my family. Someone had told me that. True?…not really sure. But then, it was true to me and it showed to be true, too. Once I was walking up their driveway and was told to basically turn around and go home. Like, ok then. the fuck, yo? Too shy to say anything or ask why, I turn and go. This was when we were younger but to give you an example I can remember. So now we are dating. I don’t recall going out in public with him once, or anything showing we were together in school, it may have happened but I can’t say to it, but we talked on the phone at night for hours at a time. I enjoyed our talks a lot, but it wasn’t real. It ended quicker than that summer of lovin’. He started dating someone else, a popular girl (who I liked, so no hate on her) not too long after. the cool kid got cooler. They dated awhile, so good for them, again no hate. That was my relationship extent with him. However, over the years he continuously would call me crazy to everyone, spread rumors, and poke fun at me, for a reason still unknown. I got in a fight once, defending myself on my front lawn when cars full of kids rolled up to jump me, and he saw/heard it from his house, then let the whole school know how crazy and wild I was. What happened was, other people called this girl and said something horrible to her, she then came to my house and called me derogatory names(lesbian, dyke, etc) because of that call. So I defended who I was and was forever labeled crazy, all because HE said so. Adult life comes into play and facebook takes over. Here he comes again. He is just always there, tormenting me in some type of way. Now married to a beautiful woman, the most perfect, adorable kids you’ve ever seen, thousands of friends, he does ALL the things, perfectly, of course. Yet here he is, still commenting on things I’m going through and who I am. HE IS A BULLY AND EVERYONE ADORES HIM. I hate it. There I said it. I hate that everyone loves him. I said it. I don’t have any good experiences with him, ever. I have seen him say some ignorant and arrogant things to his friends, and them not hear it because he is perfect in their eyes. I don’t want to be his “friend”!!!!! So I deleted my fakebook account, started fresh, without the cool kid. Nonsense as this may be, I FEEL GREAT about it!! – krz