9 house walk

Once, a neighbor said to my mother, “You know she walks down the street with her head down, right?” All the kids are playing, and she just walks by them with her head down.”

It was 9 houses from where my mother lived to my grandparents .

9 houses.

A 2 minute stroll that this bitch just turned into the slowest walk of my life. Now my mother said, “Hold your head up. People think you’re weird.” So that’s what I had to do. Walk pass all these kids and parents, who thought I was weird, with my head up so they could feel comfortable. 

I started to avoid the kids altogether after that. If they were outside, I’d wait or just not go. It felt better than making that walk. Sometimes, I would casually go around the block in order to get to my grandparents from the other end of the street. Going that way took me down a busy, open road that terrified me. I envisioned being kidnapped walking that way a few times, but it was a better risk than having to walk past those people.

I did want to be included. I like sports and playing hockey in the street, or whatever else kids did together in the houses. I just knew I was weird. I was too quiet. I knew this. I was the kid who walked with her head down and never talked in class. What was I supposed to say to them? I didn’t even know what a friend really was or what they did. What would I even say to any of them now?

It’s just embarrassing, all of it. And my mother? Just once, stand up for me. Don’t let them bully us! Please, something!

Avoiding them became part of life now. I wanted to be included and play, but I was too weird now. Everything was too weird now.